Let’s say just a few final things before we get to tunnel vision on any fancy techniques.
You need to want to please your partner. Obviously, everyone wants to be the person that ‘gives it to their partner real good’, but do you want to please your partner? When you think of being intimate with them, do you think of how amazing it will be to do things with them that make their hairs stand on end, make them breath slightly more deeply than usual, slightly faster than usual? Do think of watching the muscles of their upper back, lower abdomen, their upper thigh, and calf muscles tense as you touch them? When you think of pleasing your partner do you think of really watching how they react when you stop doing one thing and start another? Do you look at how they had their arms pressed flat against the bed and their head looking straight forward, but now have a slight bent at the elbow, their head looks slightly up, and a tension all across their back?
You have to want to see these things in your partner. Want to notice all the signs and indicators your partner is having a great time. There are too many people that would like to please their partner, but then don’t actively look, listen, and feel for how their partner is reacting. Obviously, you are not one of these people, but the material in this book is most effectively applied when you really focus on your partner and concentrate with a fervent intensity, on recognising every change in tone, tension, and movement your partner shows you.
Second, this book isn’t intended to make you the best or most amazing girl or guy in bed, it’s not even intended to equip you to give your partner the best sex life they’ve ever had; I’m just sharing ideas and tricks I have that other people have found helpful. In any case, trying to be better than your partners ex is likely an u nhealthy way of looking at sex and sexuality; there will already be things you do with your partner that no one else has ever done with them, not in the same way, or just not as well as you do them.
There will also be things that others have done with your partner that you can’t do as well as them, or perhaps, not at all; this is normal, ok, and healthy. Different people have different skills, some people have no interest in learning certain skills (like rope bondage for example, which is more common that you might think, by the way). Some people are chefs, some people are jewellers. You wouldn’t scorn a partner who was a computer technician, for not knowing their way around a sewing machine because your last partner was a dress maker. It’s the same with sex; your current partner doesn’t expect you to be the best at everything, and they obviously choose to be with you for a reason. Accept that you won’t be the best at every skill your partner loves, and some interests or fetishes might hold no interest to you, don’t be caught up on being perfect at everything; chasing perfection is a great way to achieve nothing.
Be on a sharp lookout for any sentence from your partner that starts with the words “I like…”. This isn’t just your partner communicating to you what they enjoy you doing with them, this is them asking you to do something more, or to start doing something. Be sure to shut up and listen when you hear this, ask questions, discuss the new information with your partner; if you react badly, are insincere, belittling, make jokes, or are dismissive, then you will demonstrate to your partner that they cannot open up about their desires with you. At the very least, you will demonstrate that opening up is risky. Remember that people can often be very shy about their desires, and can sometimes very much not want to open up at all, for a wide variety of reasons. Women in particular are often much less comfortable being open about their sexual desires than men, often this is a product of how up until this point in the 21st century, sexuality for women has been something to hide, deny, and minimise. Hence, be especially mindful of what your girlfriends are telling you, anytime you hear a sentence that starts with the words “I like…”.
Final point on attitude: sometimes sex hurts, but maybe not in the way you think. Many people will tell you that they have gone to bed with their partner and gone down on them, or used their fingers on (or in) them, and gotten a cramp in their hand, or in their tongue. Deal with it. Genuinely, if you’re giving to your partner, and you become uncomfortable, deal with your discomfort in some way; if your partner is seconds from having an orgasm and your fingers are a little bit fatigued, then try to keep the same motion of whatever part of your fingers are stimulating your partner, but use different muscles to move your hand/arm so you don’t have to stop. Maybe you are curling your fingers and your forearm is getting fatigued, try moving your fingers across your partners clit, or in and out of your partner, by keeping your fingers locked in place and instead moving your whole arm at the shoulder. Now you’re using different muscles, that should be fresh and unfatigued. If that fails, then I guess we have to be a little bit staunch and just tough it out for a couple of minutes; there’s an orgasm at stake here, after all.
